The cover of my debut book of poems available through Micromega Publications. |
It’s an
empowering place to be in when you’ve hit what many would deem to be rock
bottom (in a commercial sense that is) and still carry on making art entirely
for art’s sake. I put so much love and care into the Durban music industry (if
you could even call it that). For its only reciprocation being to turn its back
on me, during one of the darkest and loneliest times of my life. Merely because
I couldn’t service its needs anymore. My health and hearing took a massive
knock and after a certain venue owner accused me of stealing (something I have
never shared on a public platform) after all I was trying to do was help him
and his venue. I felt that I had extended myself further than I ever should
have.
I decided
enough was enough and went into hiding, no one really saw me around anymore and
no one really ever bothered to call because I wasn’t running events
anymore. So there was little that these so-called “friends” or colleagues could
get out of me. From being around many people who supposedly cared, I now found
myself in an environment where I had very few people around me. Nothing more
than a small and tight group of friends. People who called me to see if I was
okay, people who saw what had happened and actually gave a fuck and didn’t want
a booking or a stage to play on, people who didn’t have stars in their eyes and
didn’t care about fame or attention or “the scene” or a gig or their
performance fee or guarantee or door deal or what they could get out of me.
After this
heartbrokenness and the hopelessness I found myself in, after putting years into a venue and a project only to see other people abuse my hard work and dedication. Ultimately riding off my broken back. This put me into a headspace where it was extremely difficult not to become
bitter. It was extremely hard not to become jaded. I succumbed to anger and depression and in turn, became utterly lost. A world which I had invested so much of my love and care
into just didn’t show any care back and ultimately I felt like a commodity to
my peers and the art community, a commodity that had reached its sell-by date,
a commodity that was broken and old and not needed anymore.
I lived close to all of these emotions, I breathed them in deep like fresh oxygen and I
let the anger and bitterness well up inside me. However, I also did well to
conceal this anger and sadness to the outside world often at the expense of my
own mental well-being. As the few people left in my life put up with my
relentless sorrow and wretched wallowing. I needed healing and healing takes
time.
Through all
of it, my love for music remained true, and I found a place where the act of
creation became the most infinitely important thing in my life.
I stopped
giving a crap about helping a crumbling and underserving music scene and
started focusing on my own writing. I found my voice again, I found solace in
my own company, contentment, and commitment to producing art that I was hugely
and immensely proud of. I did it all for myself and the fact that I couldn’t
tour as much as I used to enabled me to value the act of creation for what it
really is and has been all along: LOVE.
Love is why
I still write poetry and music, love is why I get out of bed and love is why I
still have a deep and relentless desire to make music. Even if I never get the
opportunity to tour again, even if I don’t make any money off any of the music
I create further, I will still create it, I will create it for myself and a tiny group of individuals who are willing to look up from their smartphones for
a second and engage in something that wasn’t fed down their throats through
marketing managers and hopeful wannabees, who have a propensity to manipulate the
algorithms of the internet.
I will still
make music year in and year out, and for the first time in my life I can
honestly and wholeheartedly say I believe in the songs I create and think that
they should be in the world, have value, even if I’m the only one who
recognizes this value is me.
The above
piece of writing is a way for me to impart with the heaviness and sadness I
have kept in my heart for so very long. The anger and relentless bitterness
that felt as if it might strangle me to death is nearly gone and I can see it’s
behind disappearing into the sunset, this is me sharing my experience and music
and hoping that we can move forward in 2020 and do things for the right reasons, and see the little people who are working tirelessly for the love of creation
and art, for nothing more than to share a blinding moment of connection.
Through this
I pat myself on the back because I let love consume all the darkness, I let
love smother the sorrow and I let love guide me to create two albums in a small
space of time that I am truly proud of. I also found the courage to publish my
first book of poetry and if I didn’t start doing things for me again, I really
can’t say whether I would be doing what I’m doing right now, who knows maybe I
wouldn’t even be writing music or poetry at all.
So as I
finish expressing myself in this strangely cheesy half-hearted mantra, I thank
those who have stuck by me even when I couldn’t even stick by myself.
Hope you
enjoy the music and words.
Matt
Lonely like a holiday is now available on Bandcamp. |
Anatronic is now available on all major platforms. |
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